>> right. on "the real housewives of beverly hills" are the only ones that are rich. the other ones have chefs. how does that person afford a chef? >> they're not paying a mortgage. >> when people see that, they think, i want that. that's attainable. and it's not really attainable. it's not sustainable. >> it's not real life. >> at the first four years at abc news, i did not do the 401(k). and it was as simple as signing my name on a piece of paper. but it seemed complicated to me. and i lost a lot of money for that. >> don't feel like a moron. people learn when they learn. and they start doing it when it's right for them in their lives. the younger somebody starts, though, the better. >> right. >> i am always excited when a 20-something says to me, i've been listening to you since i was in elementary school. and i have my 401(k) or i have my roth account. i want someone to have that sense that they can take charge of their future. >> clark howard, a huge fan of yours. "living large in lean times" is the book. >> thank you. >> i'm a big fan of his. you can see my full conversation on ac360.com. thanks for watching. "pierce morgan" starts now. see you tomorrow. tonight, freefall. the worst stock market selloff since the crisis of 2008. what's scaring wall street. what does it mean for your money and where will it all end. tonight, we'll ask ali velshi.

erin burnett on what to expect next. then the most outspoken woman in the country is live and unleashed. >> my goal is to keep anderson cooper fired. i'm going to be on piers morgan next thursday. cnn, i like you, but you're no nancy grace. >> i see. kathy griffin on success. >> awards are more important than people or family. oh. >> her thoughs on casey anthony. >> the casey anthony watch with the mask and is she going to get plastic surgery? i can give you a couple of phone number, frankly. >> and her life on the d-list. that's kathy griffin on "piers morgan tonight." good evening. a live interview with the explosive kathy griffin. but first, breaking news tonight good evening. a live interview with the explosive kathy griffin. but first, breaking news tonight on the economy. the dow plunging 512 points to the worst single day since the financial crisises in 2008. all fallen 10% in the last ten days. what should you do with your money?

ali velshi, what the hell is going on? >> we all have to take our turns in causing global meltdowns in this small, small world. today was europe's turn. the central bank attempted to shore up the euro and buying bonds in euros, putting money into the system. it had the opposite effect. it caused investors to run for the hills. but, you know, they couldn't get enough out while european markets were open. and it moved into u.s. markets. it was basically the sense that we are so uncertain about where the global economy is going, and we've got this back and forth between the world's two biggest economies, the europeans and the american, that people just decided to take their money out and basically do the equivalent, the global equivalent of taking your money and stuffing it in a mattress. everybody just wanted to pull out and say i don't want to go into tomorrow where this unemployment number is coming out in the morning, not able to get out of my positions. they did it ahead of time. it just compounded on itself, fear took over. and people started selling their stocks in this mass momentum move. >> erin, this is really

globalization. and so is the economy at its most raw. what you're seeing is kind of a multilayered rippling down of the economy around the world. you've got europe self-imploding, you've got chinese economy slowing. they've downgraded the american economy in their eyes. you have japan suffering after the earthquake, america tanking as well. when you put all these things together, you have one unholy mess, don't you? >> yes, you sure do. with all the distraction of the debt ceiling conversation. the world's economy, which is the american economy, walking around with a broken leg, two broken arms and someone came along and punched it in the nose. that's unneeded, this whole debt ceiling debacle. but yes, it is interrelated and it shows you how much the world needs the american economy to stay strong. as ali is pointing out, in aggregate, the european is the second biggest. as a single economy, china is the second biggest, and we're still three times bigger than china despite its rise. the world needs america to get better and the economic data has

just been pretty darn week. >> ali, just to come back on that point, it seemed to me the procrastination going on in washington the last three weeks has been deeply unhe have helpful. what it did at a really vulnerable time at a global economy is create more and more uncertainty. you seem to have this real disconnect now between the politicians, particularly here in america and what is really going on with the global economy. >> yeah. i think it's fair to say at this

point, it was ridiculous. this was sane thetic crisis, the debt of the united states and any other country is is a serious, serious matter. but we created this issue where the u.s. could have potentially defaulted on its debt. there are places like italy where a default is actually a possibility. places like greece where default was actually a possibility. what this has done is it's causeds in tors to say where is my money safe. it's not safe where there really is the possibility of default. it's not safe in america where they were ready to default. you're absolutely right. this contributed to the crisis. we had the greece situation where we had rioting in the streets. we went right into the u.s. debt situation, and before that was resolved. we got low gdp numbers in the united states, we got low manufacturing numbers, low consumer spending numbers. there hasn't been a break anywhere to see a little sunshine through the clouds. and what you saw is the cumulative effect of that weighing on world markets today. >> and we're expecting pretty grim job figures tomorrow. that's one of the reasons people believe the markets here tanked so quickly and so badly. what are you hearing about that? >> look, the job situation as we all know, piers is bad, and of course, the big problem is nobody knows how to create jobs.

and there is no magic bullet. and we all know that. so yes, they're probably going to be weak. if you get a little bit better than expected in um ber, you're going to get respite in the market, but you're not going to get a number that symbolizes job growth. that's a big problem you're continuing to see across the board. it's weak out there, piers. and it's going to take a long time to get better. lot of investors were buying u.s. debt and they were doing that thinking that the fed is going to have to step in and do extraordinary measures yet again top try to quote, unquote, fix a problem of a market that's falling and an economy that could be fall back into a double dip. >> what is your take on this? is it as bad as 2008 and what do we do about this? >> it's really tricky to mention the words, 2008. that gets people really, really afraid. if you pick on what erin is just saying. investors buying american debt, that is the bright spot. we still look better than everybody else out there.

the yield on the ten-year is now below 2.5%. as long as that keeps going on, i think that's a positive sign for the american economy. >> but it's very hard, isn't it? to accentuate the positives on a day like this. you've seen the dow crashing every day now for nine, ten days. a record run. there's no good news out there. there's nothing, as erin is saying for people to get their teeth into, okay, there's a bit of recovery. >> right. there is no good news out there. i think there's a sense of us being less bad off than everybody else. let's look at american companies. they're making money. american consumers are not spending, that's a bad thing. we look at it in the aggregate, we're better than everybody else. in a horrible environment, that has to be accounting for something. >> this is bad news for president obama whichever way yo look at it. as we get nearer to election near, the economy is going to be the standout issue. what does he do about the situation? can he do anything? it seems ironic to me that all the politicians disappear to

their summer holidays, just at the precise moment the real debt crisis takes over. >> it's been a pretty bad birthday week for him. one thing and then the other. >> happy 50th, mr. president. >> it's all down here from here, man. >> extend a payroll tax break to employees and give one to employers. so if you hire someone new, you don't have to pay that payroll tax. and they're trying to come up with ways to incentivize companies to hire, because it all comes down to jobs. and obviously there's things you could simplify the tax code, you could allow them to bring money home from overseas and not have to pay taxes on it. you could do all those things, but they all require democrats and republicans working together. and that, as we all have seen is an embarrassing spectacle. it's not going to happen. >> people have just watched the politicians behaving so self-servingly and selfish at a time when actually there were

much more serious things to worry about than the debt ceiling. i come back to this disconnect between them and the reality. it's hard to see if they keep this mentality up, how they're going to physically deal with the real problem. >> even if they were more cooperative with each other, europe doesn't have the same degree of discord between the political parties on the issue of debt reduction as we've seen in the united states. certainly there are people on both sides who think there should be austerity and people who think there should be more stimulus. but neither are as entrenched as people in the united states are. they can't solve the problem in europe. even being closer to a solution, they can't actually exercise the policy decisions that help the economies. what are we going to do here when we're so entrenched on all this. u.s. companies are remarkably profitable right now and a lot of the revenues are coming in from selling to countries which are doing very well, incluing india and china.

while it's still slowing it's a remarkably fast growing economy. we are not a position to take advantage of this because of policy decisions here in the united states and policy difficulties in europe. if you're an investor looking for a great place to invest, it's just har to find one at the moment. >> let me come to you on that point. oil, silver, gold, copper all down as well. the traditional havens of safety are taking a hit as well. where do people put their money right now? >> the only place we're seeing is they're putting them in treasury bills. and stuffing it under the ma tress. >> is that a sensible thing to be doing? >> there's a case to be made, given the political discordcord we have in congress is going to continue. that bodes pretty ill for everybody in the power. not just the president, but the republicans and democrats. >> should mr. bernanke be getting his wallet out here? >> this is a pretty tough thing. all the changes we saw in financial reform. now for the fed to do more extraordinary measures to get people to borrow and invest money in this country, they actually have congressional approval, you hear qe-3 thrown around, it's unclear if that

would be effective. but it would have to get approval from congress which brings us back to that problem. it's really going to be a last resort effort for the fed to try to do more. they do meet next week, by the way, piers, but interest rates are almost zero so there's not very much they can do in terms of their traditional path. they're going to need congress. >> and a li, on the stimulus that president obama brought in. is it widely accepted this has failed? >> it's widely accepted that it was not nearly as effective as anybody thought it was going to be. some call it an outright failure. some say its effectiveness -- it wasn't exercised with any precision. here's the danger, though. predecision works both ways, whether it's stimulus or whether it's cuts. so this super congress that has to come up with a deal by thanksgiving, if they don't come up with a deal, there's these across the board cuts. there are many experts who say

wasn't exercised with any precision. wasn't exercised with any precision. here's the danger, though. predecision works both ways, whether it's stimulus or whether it's cuts. so this super congress that has to come up with a deal by thanksgiving, if they don't come up with a deal, there's these across the board cuts. there are many experts who say this is very, very dangerous because across the board cuts are the same as a nonsurgical stimulus. we need surgical approaches to how we fix this economy. erin pointed out a few of them. some policy changes that could help employers to hire people. we need real specific direction, not across the board anything, whether it's stimulus or cuts. >> well, given the fact they can't even agree on a debt ceiling debate for three weeks, i have no hope for that. i want to ask you all for a one word yes or no response to this question. i start with you, kai. are we heading into another recession, a double-dip recession?

>> we can't head into another one because we're still in the old one. >> i was going to say that, kai took my words away. >> i get to go first. >> not going to get a yes or no from many sne. >> you're going to get a no from me. >> so you're still remaining reasonably positive despite one of the most horrendous says in three or four years. >> we need people like you, piers, to keep spending money. >> well, i know that. i just don't share the optimism. i think there are very serious problems. and i hope the politicians stop squabbling and sort it out. thank you very much. and as a footnote of that, we can reveal if you want someone to blame, look no further than the smurfs who have opened the new york stock exchange. and since then, we've seen the dow fall by 1,000 points. so there we are. the three figures to blame are the smurfs. coming up, the most outspoken woman in the country. that's what she says. here she comes, america. it's kathy griffin. i'm already terrified.

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the seven-second delay was invented for my next guest, kathy griffin here live. a woman who will literally say anything. >> absolutely. now, is there a delay between the table? is there a magical seven seconds -- >> you jumped on me before the break. >> so what. i thought we would start with a lap dance. >> you were doing a lap dance. >> i saw you do the same thing with condoleezza rice and you did not complain. >> this thing about you being the most outrageous woman in america. >> do you seek outrage? >> it's fun. i like to see people like that. >> do you have any limits? >> no, i have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise.

no decorum. just fun. >> do you care about making enemies? because some people really do take it badly. don't they? >> you mean the tea party? >> the ladies of "the view." some people really want to kill you. >> that's true. >> sarah palin would like to kill you. >> yes. i actually wept to her house in my episode of "the d list." emmy nominated. >> and cancelled. >> it's not canceled! i'm counting backwards from ten. i went to wasilla, alaska, went to sarah ppalin's house and knocked on her door. i invited her to a show. i offered her a two for one ticket, which i rarely do. and she did not come. but she has an open invite to come see me live anytime. >> she hates you. >> i know. >> you were pretty vile about her daughter. >> she says some pretty outrageous things.

>> filter? >> not with the the palin, not with the bachmanns. >> are we talking about bristol who made $250,000 last year doing speeches about teen abstinence. they'll be okay. >> tell me about the market crash. >> who better to ask. >> you're an american citizen. you spend money. >> kathy geithner. when you think money, you think secretary griffin 37. >> kathy bernanke. in all seriousness, what do you think about what's happening in your commune tri? >> i thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal. buying a ticket, paying for a baby-sitter. so i'm conscious as ever as are other performers i know. it's frightening but we're going to get through it. >> do you think washington politicians have any real connect now to the american public? >> yeah.

they're human beings. i mean, this particular bunch is a little frightening to me, but i still support the president, which in hollywood by the way, makes you a terrorist. i even liked jimmy carter. so shoot me now, shoot me in my sleep. but i think he's a very bright guy. and also people seem to forget that during the clinton administration, you know, there was no debt at all. i mean, it was gone. and then during eight years of bush, i really feel like that -- it was almost an untenable situation for the president. >> but the problem for the president is he inherited clearly a massive -- >> let's not forget that he inherited it. >> but let's not also forget that the situation has got worse, despite the stimulus -- >> how do you make a deal with people who don't want to make a deal? >> but the stimulus package clearly hasn't been working. the economy is beginning to tank. >> are you accidentally doing your john boehner interview? >> you're a smart businesswoman -- >> well, everybody knows that. i'm a straight suze orman.

i'm like a heterosexual suze orman. >> i'll take it. >> you can have it in 20 minutes. let's wrap this up. >> why are you shy about being serious about the economy? why do you find it so absurd that i would ask you. >> i probably do more political humor now than i ever have. these politicians, they have quotes, they're the gift that keeps on giving. sometimes i'll just read the quotes on stage and see what material comes to me. >> are the tea party characters a particular gift? >> are you praying the gay away? because you know what, i'm obsessed with marcus bachmann's clinic. his repair tif clinic where he tries to degay people. that's called high school. it doesn't work. i tried to get the boys in musical to put it in my no-no place. we're not going to delay that, are we? that's harmless. >> it's live. it comes straight out. keep going. >> i want to get you thrown off. that's my goal.

>> i think ulds be very popular. >> i think i could get you in a position that would get you fired tonight i think it would be fun, newsworthy and people would follow me on twitter. >> i prefer what you said you want to get andersson fired. >> it's a great aspiration, and every single january 1 -- >> you try hard. >> i'm upset if he still has his job. that's my gold. january 1, he's crying in my hotel room for other reasons and also because he got fired. >> it is the most dangerous time of andersson's live, that new year thing he did. you could see the terror in his eyes. >> i take that job way too seriously. i think of all fun and exciting ways to make him sweat. and i'm very flattered he says he sweats more with me that night than any other war zone. i'm a pretty lady and i want to apologize. >> do you worry about being taken seriously?

>> no. >> are you going to fill in the gap, or am i? sit down. what are you doing? >> i'm going to climb over the table. >> what's happening here? >> you're going to play that all weekend. i'm a lady, what were you saying? >> are we going to be derobing as the show. goes on. >> i have no issue with that. that's my dream. i saw you showing foxy bikini shots of myself. >> if you don't mind me saying so you're a very attractive lady. >> the stock market will be fine. it will rebound. >> do you dream wisfully of being fired in disgrace one day, becoming unemployable? >> absolutely. no! are you kidding, i live to work. i love to work. i love doing standup. i love doing my life on "the d

list." i'm proud of the show, i stand by the show. this is silly, but the emmy is a big deal. this is my little show that could. six seasons. we performed in iraq in a war zone. >> why is it not on air anymore? >> when i started doing my show, reality was in a different place. you know? so on my show, this year, i had a march in freedom plaza in d.c. to help repeal don't ask don't tell. performed at walter reed. we tackled some sort of semiserious issues always with a wink. and then a lot of really, really silly stuff. and now the reality shows that i love to watch, that's not really what i do. on my show you're not traelly going to see my 91-year-old alcoholic mother flip a table. it would be fun and i can put the mumu on her and give her a box of wine, but you're not going to see us fistfighting. although i will be watching "jersey shore." don't get me wrong. >> i want to talk about your parents when we come back. they're a formative part of your comedic life.

would you please just stay -- >> always with the rules. mr. rules. >> i know i'm irresistible but -- >> i'm only human piersy. let's go.

back now with my interesting guest, kathy griffin. >> really? interesting? that's the best you can come up with? >> kathy griffin on the economy climbs on desk to kiss piers. most awkward "piers morgan show" ever. >> right on. i say we do the rest of the show bottomless. anyone can do topless. with the glass table, it's limitless. >> you are dangerous for any cnn host. >> i'm dangerous with you right now. >> cnn fires you every year. >> yes, every year i get fired. >> i am a terrible slug that tries to make people laugh. and that's a bumper sticker that i'm going to put on my prius. i don't have a prius. >> i heard you had a bit of a foxy dinner last night.

>> okay, i have a-list moments in my life. >> you had a private dinner party wf jack nicholson, john hamm, steve martin -- >> john hamm isn't a real celebrity. >> biggest movie hearthrob. steve martin, loren michaels. is he as fun at a private dinner peter as i would hope he is? >> yes. he has moment where is he's kind of nutty then super intelligence and then funny. it was the full package. it was definitely a pinch myself moment. >> did you give him a lap dance? >> yes. and he gave me one and then it was 3:00 in the morning.

>> jack nicholson last night, me tonight. >> you're in good company. >> bit of a brazen hussy, aren't you? >> yes. we were discussing in the world of social media what kind of photo could get out there that would get you in trouble. in my case, there's no such thing. there's nothing i could say that wouldn't frankly help my business. there's no photo that could be out there, i could be doing anything inappropriate with you or anyone you know and it would only boost sales. >> but you already have done. you've been seen on this show tonight lap dancing me. and straddling the desk to kiss me. >> but i'm still dressed. >> we're still on air miraculously. >> let's see what we can do about that. >> what do you think jack nicholson thinks would be a terrible social media moment. >> did he talk about me? >> not once. >> really? >> hold on. let's get nancy grace. hold on. let's get jane velez mitchell in here to solve this case. do you watch hln, they're getting better numbers than you at this point? >> actually, they've luckily gone back since the trial ended.

>> that's great. >> trust me, we noticed. yeah, it was killing us. >> did you cover casey anthony? >> a little bit. i felt uncomfortable about it. it's an interesting discussion. when i saw the people all fighting each other in the queues to get into the trial every day. in britain, i kept saying, we don't have cameras in courtrooms, so you don't get this kind of -- this is some form of reality television thing and i felt uncomfortable about the whole thing. >> as a comedian, people want to hear about casey. she's such a water cooler discussion. when i do my material about her, the audience gets quiet and uncomfortable. when i start making jokes about her, calling her the hot mom, then it gets awkward. don't you think that's funny? it's hysterical. because nancy grace calls her tot mom. >> hot mom! >> let's unleash the lawyers. >> i love nancy grace. >> who doesn't? you can't be human and not love nancy. >> i interviewed her on the show and she was surprisingly emotional. >> really? she cries every night on the show talking about her twins. my twins. where are the twins? >> i think she's a force for good. >> she's awesome. >> don't you think?

>> yes, of course. i've been watching her for years. i don't need casey. her book was called "death on the d list." i assume she wants me dead like everyone else, according to you. >> tell me about your parents. >> my father is no longer with us. he died a couple of years ago, yes. but the great thing is when my dad was on "life with the d list" he was portrayed like he really was. and my mom is a true natural. the other night, we went to the -- >> how old is she now? >> 91. and would drink you under this glass table. she would have climbed over here and finished the job. >> i'm irish. >> what? and you're admitting it? >> yes. >> there goes the neighborhood. i was raised irish catholic. the catholic part didn't really stick. they tried. the nuns. what town are you from? >> my town is offuly, about an hour from down lynn.

-- dublin. we're kindred spirits. >> i'm going to climb over that table. >> do you feel irish? >> i do when i watch "my big fat gypsy wedding." they wear the hoop skirts like "gone with the wind." >> we'll have a break and come back -- >> how can we top this conversation? >> we'll talk about your plastic surgery. >> what about yours? >> i haven't any. [ gnome ] ahh...

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>> i like to have a brow lift once or twice a year. where they take my eyebrows and put them on a totally different part of my head. and after that, i look weeks younger. >> that's from your series "my life on the d list." >> actually, that was one of my standup specials. your research is dazzling to me. it's perfect you're on a news network. >> no one is going to watch it ever again. >> what are you talking about? it's every night on bravo. emmy nominee.

>> how much plastic surgery have you had? >> first of all, i haven't had anything done in several year pchs i thought it would change my life and make me happier. >> did it? >> no. they don't tell you that when they're taking a sharpie and putting it all over your face, which you're doing emotionally right now. i had a facelift and brow lift. here's the bottom line. the only thing that are real are the boobs and, i don't know, my lift. i had stuff lifted and then it fell back again. >> how much did you spend on resculpting? >> probably, this is so sick, but the first time i had it all done, i did a tradeout which is really one of my bester who -- best whore moments. i did a tradeout, which is really not what i recommend. but i don't know -- >> what do you mean a tradeout?

>> i went to a doctor who said if "people" magazine and "entertainment tonight" cover it, i'll pump it. take that in for a minute. take that in. i'm basically a white slave for myself. i'm my own pimp and ho at the same time. >> what did you think? >> i was supposed to be jennifer aniston. that was the deal in my mind. >> what went wrong? >> it's just -- it just doesn't really do anything. so i had stuff lifted and i had stitches in my head like frankenstein. everything but a bolt in my neck. and i had liposuction that went bad and i had to go hospital. i didn't know you could just run. >> you had the lasik eye surgery. >> yes. >> best decision i made in my life. >> did you dr. maloney? >> no. >> i had four corrective

surgeries. that wasn't a cosmetic thing. that was to correct my vision. but that's definitely the worst horror story i have as far as any kind of procedure of any kind. and my eye is permanently damaged. >> most people don't have problem with lasik. of. >> i would be suspicious of that. >> well, ten year, never had one. >> well, why don't pfizer and you just go -- >> don't say it >> i don't have a problem with pfizer. stop the twitters right now. >> what do you think of twitter? >> sometimes i'll just write something so rude back to the haters then it blows up. but i do actually get some really -- i hate to say this, amusing death threats. >> some of them prosecute so over the top and they'll do a thing where they'll include,

like, sarah palin or michelle bachmann. always from like jesus loves you 123. someone wants to shoot me as the earth parts and i go all the way down and then i get to my corner booth in hell where i think i'm going to see you, frankly. and he's still shooting but the bullets melt because i'm in hell. i thought this through. >> do you like the engagement on twitter? >> no, i like that you don't engage. i don't do facebook at all. or as my mother says faceplace. that scares me. i have friends that have broken up because of the status update. twitter, i can put out a joke, or talk about being on this show. i can say i'm on john king live or whatever your name is. i'm saying positive things about you, ali velshi. and then i get to watch the responses. i read every one of them and many of them make me laugh out loud. >> twitter is going crazy right now.

>> when i greet things i don't say hello anymore. i say at. hello @sharonosborne. cher tweets me in the middle of the night. she yells at me at twitter. i had to call her and say you can yell at me through texts or i can go to your house and yell at me. cher has great tweets. >> can you tweet me in the middle of the night? >> you're not big enough. i love that you schlepped your way to the mid. if you were on c-span, she would know. >> of course cher knows who i am. >> what world do you live in? >> if i keep saying it long enough and hard enough. >> you're acting as if. you're like a dog in a bone. >> jack nicholson hasn't done an interview in 35 years. >> he's not coming on this show. >> yes, he is. if you say it loudly enough.

>> really, oprah? how terrified were you on oprah? >> i was slightly in awe of her. i don't mind admitting that. she's like a goddess. >> how many times have you been properly in love. because honestly, i have been waiting long enough -- i'm watching every now. what about when you had ryan and tatum o'neill but separate hours. >> i stayed at sharon osborne's malibu beach house last weekend and ryan o'neill has the house next door. he told me because of that double interview, they now got back talking and things are moving in the right direction. i was very pleased to hear that. >> it is so fascinating to me that you are so delusional that you would believe ryan o'neill, who i believe was arrested for meth possession would be playing frisbee. fine. the moon is made of cheese and i have an ten that. are we done now? >> you're done for two minutes.. and now the moment i'm most

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and now the moment i'm most looking forward to, the throw to andersson cooper. i have a friend of yours here with me tonight that's causing absolute merry held. >> you lost me at ephiphilia eye surgery. >> anderson, get me awe of here. thankfully this show is taped and will never air. >> tell me more about your eye surgery. i love that you made a deal with your doctor for plastic surgery. >> yeah, it's called comps. try it. >> yeah, isle have the bargain pack. >> what can i get? who has extra botox laying around with the cheerios. >> did you have to mention the doctor's name in interviews? >> yeah, of course. piers isn't wearing pants just to you know. >> she's straddling the desk and come at me. she's straddled the desk twice so far. i don't know how you do that

january 1 thing. >> piers thinks he's famous. it's super awkward. >> i know. it's funny, isn't it? >> he says jack nicholson is begging to be on the show. >> by the way, andersson, involving our twitter feud where you seem to think you're going to beat me, i'm catching you fast. i'm coming at you. >> bring it on. bring it on is all i have to say. >> because everyone knows twitter has translated into nothing. a million followers after having a show every single night. >> i will overtake andersson cooper within the next three months in terms of followers on twitter. >> uncomfortable. >> uncomfortable. >> it's the omt thing that matters. >> don't you have one of those youtube clips with a dog that talks that we can throw to. somebody save me.

this guy is a nightmare. >> how many would make you happy? >> let's be honest. miami virgin. >> tonight is the night, that is how i will get you fired. i was like a surprise and do have a clown mask on. >> i am single by am dating. >> who are you dating? >> i said as the perk. >> anybody in particular? >> let's be honest. miami virgin. >> tonight is the night, that is how i will get you fired. i was like a surprise and do

have a clown mask on. >> are you single at the moment? >> i am single by am dating. >> who are you dating? >> i said as the perk. >> anybody in particular? >> the ones who i happen to be home when a call. i like dating. a lot of people keep dating a bad rap. i like it. it is a chance to know somebody new. >> it is a nightmare, right? >> how they go? >> i am super excited when a guy picks up the tab. and has a job. >> shockingly materialistic. >> i am happy for a pizza. and a smile and morals, values, and --

>> would you like to get married again? >> no, there is no reason to get married. if i even had won a glove, i am going to throw at your head. i do want to have kids >> why? >> i have a special needs child. it's called my career. and i raise her every, single day. and she's ornery and difficult. no. i'm just not really -- you know? i'm not into the kids. >> how do you see your life panning out? >> well, after this, it's in the crapper because of this. no, i love to do what -- it was fun when you had that show on cnn, wasn't it? >> loved it. i'll dream wistfully of it. >> i love doing what i do. i love continuing to do standup. i did four specials for bravo in one year. four, hour specials all new material, in one year. i'm on a show called "drop dead diva." and i'm excited about the whole

emmy pomp and circumstance. it's exciting, right? who is doing your dress? >> i haven't decided yet. >> oscar? carolina? i love the whole thing. i take it very seriously. i'm proud to be in that company. i'm shocked i'm in that company. and it never gets old. >> didn't i see you standing outside one of the preemmy parties last time? trying to meet people? >> no. i bring my emmy. >> yes? >> i'm the greeter at the party. >> you are standing -- >> i bring my emmys to my very fanty a-list party. it's inappropriate. i do it to see who has a sense of humor. i stand outside this party holding my emmys. and i say to every celebrity, no matter how famous they are, would you like a photo with a real emmy. half of them laugh. and half of them say, i don't know her. and half i slept with. every year i do it. and i don't know jeffrey

katzenberg. >> i laughed when i saw you. >> did you enjoy it? >> you jumped me out of nowhere. everybody is jumping me. >> we probably have a picture of us together with my emmys. >> not a good thought. >> we need a third one. >> i want to talk to you after this break. >> you don't know what i'm going to hold. my hot, little hands. let's go. get this party started. >> why am i now really nervous about the last five minutes? >> you're going to check your twitter. you're going to freak out. you're going to read all the responses and get nervous. and i'm going to watch. with glee, which i was on once.

> hey. that is my almond milk. >> that would make you terry. >> are you going to replace it? it's organic. >> i would tell you to have your assistant buy you another carton bup i can tell by your shoes that you are the assistant. >> your role in "drop dead diva," with another controversial comedienne, margaret cho. friend of yours? >> rival early. i had a couple of friends that said, do your thing. i'm not a one-liner person. >> if you had a one-liner to be your last line on earth, what would it be? >> suck it. everybody suck it. i'd be out.